Self worth

It’s amazing how we think of ourselves, and what light we shine on ourselves. I don’t know about you, but when I grew up, I had, somewhere along the line, adopted a notion that I had nothing to offer anyone least of myself. I would hermitise myself, walk away from people at school, bury myself in my own world at home and obligingly sit and wait as time ticked its never ending toll. As I grew this didn’t change. In fact, it became worse. As the responsibility of work and family came into my life it seemed easier to remove myself from any situation that conflicted with my own thoughts of self worthlessness. I made myself a victim. I have shed tears for no reason and I have bawled my eyes out at my own seclusion. I marveled at how efficiently I could be alone. I truly felt alone.

I started to listen to heavy metal when I was very young. I found solace in the profound expression it harboured, and grew to love how it accepted me, and understood me for who I was. It was always there for me and remains to be. Why is this important? I had found the key to my own release at a young age and ignored it. I used to think that the more brutal and expressive my music was, the more shocking it was to others, the more I liked it. The adult in me knows that the child in me always had the key. The key being; because I had found something that I could relate to, with a little effort, I could apply the same process to myself. So I did. I now no longer regret the person I became nor do I expect others to like me at face value. I like myself, and I have a beautiful wife and son who love me. That is all that counts.

I see people get treated by others in a bad way, probably because it fits their own reflection of themselves. We make our own emotional environments. Likewise I see people having a great time within a group and realize now it’s nothing to do with confidence or money or status. They are in touch with themselves.

Recently I had a dear friend of mine explain to me how much he loved me for me. To that friend I say thank you for seeing me for who I am, but more importantly, thank you for affirming that the projection of myself is now in tune with how I feel about myself. I feel great about me and you told me I was right. It was once said “In order to love another you must first love yourself”. I’m going to add a footnote to that quote. In order to find love in another, you must first love yourself and be bold enough to let another love you.