Self worth

It’s amazing how we think of ourselves, and what light we shine on ourselves. I don’t know about you, but when I grew up, I had, somewhere along the line, adopted a notion that I had nothing to offer anyone least of myself. I would hermitise myself, walk away from people at school, bury myself in my own world at home and obligingly sit and wait as time ticked its never ending toll. As I grew this didn’t change. In fact, it became worse. As the responsibility of work and family came into my life it seemed easier to remove myself from any situation that conflicted with my own thoughts of self worthlessness. I made myself a victim. I have shed tears for no reason and I have bawled my eyes out at my own seclusion. I marveled at how efficiently I could be alone. I truly felt alone.

I started to listen to heavy metal when I was very young. I found solace in the profound expression it harboured, and grew to love how it accepted me, and understood me for who I was. It was always there for me and remains to be. Why is this important? I had found the key to my own release at a young age and ignored it. I used to think that the more brutal and expressive my music was, the more shocking it was to others, the more I liked it. The adult in me knows that the child in me always had the key. The key being; because I had found something that I could relate to, with a little effort, I could apply the same process to myself. So I did. I now no longer regret the person I became nor do I expect others to like me at face value. I like myself, and I have a beautiful wife and son who love me. That is all that counts.

I see people get treated by others in a bad way, probably because it fits their own reflection of themselves. We make our own emotional environments. Likewise I see people having a great time within a group and realize now it’s nothing to do with confidence or money or status. They are in touch with themselves.

Recently I had a dear friend of mine explain to me how much he loved me for me. To that friend I say thank you for seeing me for who I am, but more importantly, thank you for affirming that the projection of myself is now in tune with how I feel about myself. I feel great about me and you told me I was right. It was once said “In order to love another you must first love yourself”. I’m going to add a footnote to that quote. In order to find love in another, you must first love yourself and be bold enough to let another love you.

The Awakening

Darius froze. His cold limbs ceased all movement. Senses keen he scanned the forest seeking the origin of the noise. Not a noise really, just a rustle, like a leaf catching fabric. Nothing. The vampire took another step towards the small clearing ahead. The scent of the living assaulted him and amidst his ravenous hunger it threatened to corrupt his judgement. Twice now Darius had taken blood from victims here. This appeared to the growing vampire to be a rest spot of some sort. He could pick up their scent from hundreds of yards away, detected expertly through the acrid smell of smoke from their camp fires. The sweet smell of life that gave Darius strength and vitality. And the taste. The taste of human blood called to him.

His first victim had been completely unaware of the undead predator standing behind him. Darius had awoken on that night with the scent already upon him. Knowing this new strange creature had been near, Darius had crept slowly from his cave and found the man on the path to the east walking slowly leading a pack mule laden with wares and canvas covered sacks. The blood from the mule had been inviting, but the smell of the man called to Darius' soul. Aware the mule posed no threat to him Darius stalked the man to the edge of the clearing. He watched the man hobble the mule, light a fire and retrieve some goods from the sacks. Then he had risen and walked away some yards to urinate. By this time Darius had been drunk with hunger. In a blink the vampire covered the fifty yards between himself and the man. Standing within arms reach Darius had taken a long inhale and drank in the moment, his soul screamed to him and with powerful arms the vampire grabbed the man and sank his long teeth into the slender neck. Blood gushed into his willing mouth, the taste so exquisite he sank to the earth to finish. Then it happened. Discarding the wilted husk of his victim he lay back. His muscles twitched and his skin tightened, new found strength poured into his body. Darius opened his eyes. The scene shocking him for a moment, trees glowed with a green haze, the sky so clear now the stars and waning moon shone like the terrible sun. Turning he looked to the mule still hobbled at the campsite. It too had a glow about it, but it was the colour of blood. Crimson and bright and yet he felt no more hunger for it. The vampire stood and faced a nearby young birch tree. Knowing his intent Darius clenched a fist and thrust forward with all the power he could muster. The birch felt like water to his knuckles and splintered away allowing the twenty foot tree to topple and fall. The young vampire spread his lips into a grin, then widened it to a smile and screamed a soul tearing howl into the night, then in a flash of leaves, Darius was gone.